Friday, 24 July 2009

Why the world would end in 10 minutes if we all had time machines

Picture the scene: It's the year 3000. Not the one Busted sang about, whether cars operate on wheels or hovercraft systems is irrelevant. The world's energy sources have turned on their head, America has a female President and people still buy CDs. Rupert Murdoch's Great Great Great Grandson owns an estimated 12% of the planet and Reading are the reigning Champions League winners. iPods died out nearly 1000 years ago and the latest gadget on the market is an affordable time machine; effective, easy to use and produced to fulfil the World's demand. Amazing, right?


Now picture this scene: You're at the pub with your mate. You're arguing over the android barmaid and whether or not you 'would'. It gets a little heated and you accidentally knock over your friends tiny, astronaut capsule-sized beer. Before you have time to apologise he teleports back in time 2 minutes and pours your drink over your head. Retaliating, you go back a further couple of hours and spike his drink with an ultra-fast laxative. Whilst uncontrollably emptying his bowls, your friend goes one step further and heads back 10 years to your School days. He pulls your trousers down in the hologram playground, confining you to a decade of abuse from your peers. Back in the present day, the updated you, haunted by the torture, has taken to venting anger through physical abuse and far from the e-pub environment your former self was enjoying, you're about to be sentenced to a lifetime imprisonment behind virtual bars in a distant galaxy. You reach into your pocket, punch in the year 2975, visit your friend's mother, heavily pregnant carrying said friend, and - thanks to your new-found hatred for humanity - unleash hell, striking the defenceless woman in the stomach with your light sabre. Your friend is never born. Once again in the present day, your sister, who just so happens to be your friends girlfriend, walks into the pub. As she walks in her memories are reset and adjusted according to the previous 30 seconds of lifetime updates. A sickening feeling of emptiness engulfs her and, confused by this new, unavoidable sense of loneliness, kills herself.

And that's just your story. Imagine if the same thing was happening to every single person in the world. iTime Machines were only released 6 minutes ago.

It took 10 seconds before the world's entire gambling system was brought to its knees by time-hopping cheats. Looters raided everything of value that has ever existed in the World, before a smart thinking cop sped back to 2012, saved Hulk Hogan from his huge drug overdose, and sent him through time killing all of the bad guys who ever existed. By the 4th minute, the only people remaining were innocent or still asleep. Through the next 6 minutes, greed, guilt, shame, remorse, anger and fear had ripped the world apart.

That was it. Gone. Time travelling doesn't sound so fun now does it?

Well the good news is that you can help stop it. Inevitably, sometime in the next couple of years, Apple, along with Nokia, Sky, BT, Virgin, Starbucks, Tesco and goodness knows who else, will roll out streaming music devices. Spotify in your pocket, if you will. This will be web 3.0. Web 4.0 is the technology plague detailed above.

So, all I ask is when these futuristic streaming devices do become available, don't get suckered in, think back, stay safe. Turn your nose up and instead, reach for the latest Big Scary Monsters CD release. Musical enjoyment is the short term satisfaction, saving the World is the end game. We're all heroes waiting to happen. Get ahead of the crowd and begin your quest today at 10% of all orders received will be donated to the music industry's own charity 'fuck change'.


One Of Twelve said...

awesome blog!

ELMH said...

Brilliant :)

Ryan said...

thats awesome

Anonymous said...

Great stuff Kev :)

SHAPES said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shapes said...


Anonymous said...

absolutely brilliant!
ha, hologram playground.

_Rumors Laid Waste said...
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Rumors Laid Waste said...

This is one of the best things I've read in a while.