Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Action and Action

So right now I'm supposed to be sitting on the bus to London, somewhere near High Wycombe I'd guess. I'd have my headphones in, probably listening to something like 'Eudora' by The Get Up Kids, a nice mix of upbeat pop and gentle melodies, nothing too thought-preventing. I'd have a notepad on my lap, brainstorming promotional ideas and daydreaming about one day having some money. There'd be a weird middle aged man sitting near me, there's always one on the Oxford Tube. A young girl in one of those sleeveless jackets that I don't know the name of will get on and give him an unapproving look before sitting down and talking loudly on her phone about a load of bollocks. Probably literally, dirty students. I'd invent lives for these people in my head. Despite his deceptive appearance the man's actually a doctor. Like everyone's favourite TV character, he'll be quiet and modest, yet a gentle genius when the course of events unfold and unveil his true identity. If the bus crashes, he's the guy who'll pull me from the burning wreckage but disappear quietly into the night so to avoid any praise or reward. The girl will be stupid, really really stupid. She has daddy's credit card and a boyfriend who rows for the university. In a few years time she'll have a falling out with the real world, give birth to a bastard and a drugs problem. Daddy can't help her now. I'm living their lives whilst cheekily enjoying a bootleg bottle of vodka and lemonade, cleverly disguised as plain old water. Every now and again I glance up at the "no alcohol" sign and allow myself a tiny smirk. Kevin Douch 1, Oxford Tube 0. In roughly an hour I'd be in East London, enjoying food and drink with a selection of fine friends en route to see Maps and Atlases, This Town Needs Guns and Tropics, three of my current favourite bands. A very pleasant Tuesday night out.

Instead I'm sitting in my flat, surrounded by dis-used tissues, a steady stream of snot, 220 CDs into the 500 I need to burn by morning ready to be collected by Parcelforce. I have no food I fancy eating, I accidentally bought orange juice with bits in, the TV holds little interest and my exciting incoming emails have dried up. A confused phonecall from my friend asks me what's going on in the street outside. I take my first peak of the day behind the curtain:

hmm. I go to the spare room and look out of the window there:


"Mr Policeman, I couldn't help but notice that my street is completely blocked off and awash with emergency service workers, what seems to be the problem?" I ask in my most grown up voice, which seems a little wasted considering my current bare-footed nature. "We can't tell you what's going on, it'll be in the press soon enough. You're inside of an incident area so we'd ask you to remain indoors. Any housemates you might have can return home, but only on foot, and they must sign a book" My joke of "any book?" goes quietly unappreciated. You can't teach humour. I return to the safety of my net curtains.

An hour has since passed and they're still out there. Another friend texts to ask why there are police riot vans parked round the corner. Wish I knew. I've just seen two fire fighters climb onto a roof and push a chimney over. There's a fat man hiding in one of the police vans. I don't think he's up for this. To be fair, neither am I.


Anonymous said...

I have to comment on the 'any book?' response. Fucking genius.

das said...

We all have our favorite and not-so-favorite characters on TV. One blogger over at Entertainment Weekly cringed at the news that Andrea Bowen will return to Desperate Housewives as Susan’s daughter Julie for an episode, but isn’t sure exactly what it is about the character that’s so annoying.I got to thinking about which characters bug me to no end. The first one who came to mind is Vanessa on “Gossip Girl.


Anonymous said...

Why does the house on the right, in the first photo, appear to have a living room of fire?

Kev said...

Yeah I thought the front room of the house looked on fire too! You'd hope that if it actually was, someone would've noticed!